hello, hi, how are ya?

another november just passed.

well, in the last three years i was joining this event organizer for a big running event in the neighborhood. i wasn't doing much, most of time we were doing side quests and whatnot.

for 2 years we've been working in a team with four. but dramas happened. we only worked in three people team this year.

of course it wasn't easy but all of our experience in the last 2 years thought us many things. well basically we did everything in the last 2 years so nothing change much in this year tho.

our main quest was taking care of the manpower to help the event go well. we did the recruit, we did the breakdown, even we also did the briefing to explain the job descriptions for most of divisions.

well, thing went well, and we got the money. not much but enough. okay, it far from enough for wtw asia or school's fee, but hey, let's just save it for the fun later!

wake me up when november end.

10 months has passed in the blink of an eye

nothing change much

there was a time 

that i blame everything on  the past

but not anymore

we helped each other 

to became what we are today

so i'm glad

that we met.

i didn't feel so bad lately. looking back to some of my post from before, it looked like i was depressed. like, a total mess. then i tried not to overthinking anything, and just did some of things little by little. all at once just wasn't my thing and i'm who understand that the best. 

if you ever read this when you feel down, just remember to be kind to your self. sit down, put your phone down, take a deep breath, and let your mind to calm down.

well, whatever. i'm feeling so good right now, just saying.

what am i thinking?

i had no worries in life.

no, actually i had a lots of worries. hundreds. thousands.

but my everyday mood doesn't seem like that at all.


people who don't know me wouldn't understand,

that i, too, have so many things in my mind.

i'm selfish, yes..

i'm only talking about my self, yes..


do i listen to people?
i, maybe do sometimes.

do i understand people?
i, maybe do sometimes.

do i care for people?
i, maybe do sometimes.


do people care about me?

not really fond of future.

what 19 year old me would say to my 24 year old me?

she might be disappointed, happy, disgust, i don't know. i never imagined hat everything would be turned out this way anyway.

what do i do now?

what 30 year old me would say?

what title should i write.

same shit.
i felt so messed up.

being in school was really hard, i often thinking how about i end this all at once. i mean, i always had this dream to do something hat would make a lot of money, being an entrepreneur i mean.

what's the point of me being in school, talking about something so abstract that actually didn't have anything to do in my daily life?

my mind felt like in a prison. i watched so many creative mind doing their job in real life, enjoying what they did, create things that change people's life, and made me want to do that too.

what would i be after finished school? i don't know...

i still face he same problem over and over again and haven't figure it out yet, while out there, a lot of my friend looks like they had figure it out and enjoying their life, and then i felt so lost.

where's all of my dreams from back then gone?

i felt so suck right now, i wanna cry.

it's been 5.30 pm in study room.

i don't even know what i'm doing this last few hours... i mean this whole day. i went to 7.30 am till 3.00 pm class and didn't even do my assignment. i spend the next 2 hours sitting in the study room and chatting, i mean, fangirling wth rc about aquaria. like what the hell. why did i choose this path in the first place? what's my motivations back then? I'm so doomed. might be damned.

i just don't know. sometimes i wanna cry all die. but what's next?

hi october.

nothing change much but my weight. lol.

how's my life? i think i'm doing good right now. 

well, this last few months passed to fast. i didn't even know what i was thinking back then, but now i'm in graduate program. still, i haven't figure it yet about what i'm gonna do or what i'm gonna be. i just let everything to flow.

ah fuck this new keyboard. i can barely write a sentence without typos and missing character.

 

same shit, different year.

hi, i've been gone for a while now when i just promised my self to write more. lol.

let it be.

so, this title got me right on the feels. i mean, it's almost a year since i've been graduate and seems like nothing change. still jobless, poor and miserably single. uhm. not miserable tho. i'm just enjoying to be by my self for too long so that i forget how it feels like to have someone around.

some people advised me to think about what i wanted to do, but all i want to is just to be rich. lol. i mean, i don't exactly had anything in mind. i want to go aboard, but had no enough confidence in my self. i want to just stay low and do that teacher thing but i don't want to just stay low. i want to get married but i lost interest in marriage. not that i turned to gay or whatnot. everything just felt so numb.

i need 5G for sure.

Good God, Get  Grip Girl.

what a dream.

so as you know recently I'm addicted to Aquaria, the winner of rupaul's drag race season 10. and I have alot in my mind of her. I don't know what happened but last night I had a dream of her that I'm happy about so let me tell you what was that.

I met aquaria and filip lancina (the dancer) after a show when they missed the flight and didn't have a pace to go so I offered them to stay at my shabby apartement and they said yes.

Idk how but somehow I not a shabby apartement that I got, but nice big apartement that seem like a hall and a king size bed. and nice view to added. wow that was exactly a place I wanted to stay if I live in New York. keep dreaming bitch.

so when we arrived, aqua didn't go straight to sleep and she organized her make up when I was approaching her, got small talk, and shamelessly asked her if she could paint my face and she went with it.

oh when we talked, I called her giovanni instead of aqua. and she was fine with, said that she was out of drag tho. and somehow we played with make up all night long till we fell asleep in the floor.

the next morning when I woke up, I still got make up on my face, then I went straight to find my phone but couldn't find it, so I took my friend's  and took countless selfie with it. and I felt like wow! I wouldn't wash my face ever again. and then filip approached me that I need to wash so we could get out and she would gladly paint me again if we met.

that was also when filip said that they had to go bcs aqua got a private class later. so I drove them to somekind of university. and filip asked me to stay and waited for them till they done. how could I decline right.

and when I was waiting for them...

mom woke me up.

sht.

Middle of March? Really?

I can't believed that it's already March 16th.
Nothing special actually.

Buy here's the thing,
In the February 1st, I've been thingking to settle my life right. I mean,  to got a job, got a saving for my own, live a decent life, got a partner or something, whatnot.

And it's already more than a month since then.

Just how suck my self is?
When I knew that out there, people work their ass off to got a life, goals, or whatever. And here I am, still sat on the couch and hoped that my life would be better if I be somebody else. I kept blaming other people about the choices that I made. Whethet it's true or not.

What the hell is wrong with me.

Kalo diingat-ingat lagi.

Hello. It's been a while since I used English to made entries in this blog. It was part of my exercise so I used to writing in English. And yes, it was quite effective and I would be some kind of good habits, and I ever thought I would like to used English for this whole blog. Buts. To used Bahasa Indonesia once in a while isn't bad either. So, after such a not really long time, let me used Bahasa Indonesia for this one.

Kalo diingat-ingat lagi...

My playlist is older than me.

I rarely listening to the new music that trending now days.
Oh, may be one or two ding, and that must be the music which played in everywhere, mall, cafe, bookstore, even in  people's insta-stories.

And when I realized, my playlist from many years ago till this moment is all still the same. Just mention The Smiths, Queen, Pink Floyd, Roxette, Keane,  The Beatles, Westlife, White Lion, M2M, Firehouse, Green Day, Spice Girls, Spin Doctor, MCR, Blink182, Simple Plan, Sum41, Muse, Audioslave, Hoobastank, The Calling, The Police, Bon Jovi, Oasis, Arctic Monkey, Man Overboard, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy and many others. Just mention one or two of their hits songs, must be on my playlist.

That old songs that I've been played hundreds even thousands time, I don't know anymore, is still.
Most of them are sad songs of course. Why is that? Idk. Just feel like it. Sad songs always made me relax and and wanted to lay on the floor and press the flashback button in my head, thinking of the past time. Sometimes good one that appeared, made a smile on my face. But often, it brought some sad, anger, despair, come along too.

But that was what I am looking for.

Not a full time job yet.

I got a part time work to teach in some ind of high school in Yogyakarta, lately.

If you asked me what kind of school is that, it's totally out of our league. I mean, I grew up in some kind of ordinary SD SMP SMA Negeri before so I totally have no idea if there was a private school like this before. 

The time when you type the date wrong.

Wow, it's 2019 already.
How good that be!

Wait, let's make a list from what I've been achived for the whole year of 2018, in a glimpse.

Graduate? Yes.
Got a full time job? Not yet.
Lose weight? I gained instead.
Relationship? Not gonna werk.
Got a lot of money? Always out of money.
Healthy? According to the mood.
Boyfriend? So far away idk.

Well.
What a good year.
Let's see if 2019 gonna change all of the things.