Going solo after a while.

Today I watched a movie on cinema. It's been a while since I got in there by myself. I don't mind actually but since lately I got there by dragging Dewangga along and it became an habit, going alone was kind of... lonely? Somehow?

Habit is scary in many ways.

But really! Having a large portion of sweet popcorn by myself wasn't a good idea. And I spend a while to find my ride at the parking lot bcs I accidentally forgot where to park. And when I want to stop by for window shopping, I didn't felt comfortable if I went alone.

Ughh. I thought I should find another mate for a movie since Dewangga would left in few weeks in the future.

Gotta find one soon!

The most expensive watch I've ever bought.

So lately I didn't now what's going on in my head. I just went with the flow to bought a watch. An expensive one. Honestly, it was the most expensive one that I've ever bought with my own money. $300 was totally not a small amount of money for me, at least for now.

And the watch is....

Despair.

It kind of sad when I realized that I never be part of your life.

Bcs sometime what we need is courage, not advice.

Relax. You are great, as always. You'd get it done greatly.

And you're not alone. There'll always be some people that walk beside you. So don't be afraid. You're not come this far for only come this far.

I couldn't say much but I hope this words gave you a courage to go through it all. 

Maybe I am not.

I'm just an ordinary girl.
My hair doesn't always stay in place and I'm pretty clumsy. I'm not particularly interesing or talented.

I never really gave it a thought at the start. It was just an ordinary introduction, and somehow we got same things in common. It was fun being with you but I didn't feel lonely or anything when you were gone. We weren't always get in touch but it was kind of fun when you left a comment or something on my post. And it just stopped right there. We were never crossed the line.

What would I do.

One of my dreams is to become a teacher. A good one. In a corner of this country somewhere far away. But it seems so irrational somehow.

Horror movies.

I'm totally not into that horror movies, ever. Nor I ever watched them on cinema before. Well, I watched several horror movies on tv when I was younger before, but when I got older I realized that horror movies were just not my thing. Even when I was so curious with the most talked movies, I'd just read the sinopsis on the internet, or watch the movies or trailers through my pc with the most minimal volume and the most minimal screen when the ghost appeared.

A boyfriend to take me home.

So I just remember some of my kind of dreams when I was a kid.
There were time when every weekend I peeked through the window, just to saw the collage girl next door got her boyfriend to send her home. And the kid of me would say, "Ah, I want my boyfriend to do that when I'm in collage too!"

Silly. What the kid of me would say if she see the me right now? Lol.

Looked back to the present time. I've already spend 4+1 years on collage, even I've got a boyfriend before, and even till he got to be an ex, that dream seems won't come true.

Yea, actually I got some boys to took me home in my collage days, but they weren't a boyfriend, they just happened to be a friend that boy. So, could we call that my dreams come true in a half?

Perfect flow.

So right now I'm at the moment when I don't have any plans or any targets for my future. For some reasons this is a bad news.

But it's alright.

To feel free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's alright to feel a lot of feeling.

I relax, I let go.

My life is in a perfect flow.

to: myself, welcome to the revisian group.

Hey.
It's been a while. So, where should I start eh.
Ah, today was my ujian skripsi (how do I translate this, oh well).

It was going well, actually. As long as I can remember, I could answer all of the questions, and even I made so many mistakes, I got (temporarily) an A-.

It was beyond my expectation, and I feel a little bad bcs I felt my TA was actually not that good. Oh courage,where are u at?

Oh! And the most important things of the day was all of my friends! I couldn't make it this far without the yudisium-agustus-team.

So, I'll post this photo to remember this moment, and if somewhere in the future I miss this moment, maybe I'll be back to got this.

Thank you for being there for me! ❤

not going well.

I went with plan A, but it didn't work.

Then, I went with plan B, which didn't work too.

I thought of gave up many times, but somehow I couldn't.

I'm not come this far, to only come this far.

The moment.

The moment I admited my feeling was the moment I got lost.

For me to remember.

Hey, it's me again.

The last two weeks wasn't the best week of ky life. The most crucial, actually. Beside of my thesis deadline getting close, my dad got hospitalized for a heart attack.

June, 28th about 9.30 p.m. It was so sudden. And it was just a day after he said something about death ceremony. I totally lost my composure when he was at the emergency room. And when we got to the closest hospital, they couldn't take action bcs they didn't had heart-doctor (I don't know what they called). So we had to move to another hospital in the city. Long night passed slowly. I couldn't stop thinking about what he said the other day, and tears come automatically, all night. So did mom. Mom, me and bro stayed night at the space of the patient's fam. And it was an open room, and the night was so cold.

The next day, the hospital said that there was no development of dad's heart so we had to move again in the bigger hospital. And we ended up in one of the biggest hospital in Yogyakarta. The first three night was the toughest. Mom wouldn't want to stayed at the patient guest room so we had to deal and slept in the corner, with mattres and such.

Dad got better day by day and finally, we could go to home at July, 4rd in the evening.

He's still in a weak condition by now. But I really do hope for his health. There're still so much thing that I wanted him to see, to be proud of. I still want to eat together, giving him a hug  and kisses everymorning, and soon.

I love you Dad. The most, and always.

just a little, a very little little bit.

So, apparently I'm interested just a little, little, very little bit with this guy. Oh my god I finally admit it.. but it just a little bit okay!

He's kind of a friend, and I can say that we're pretty close. As close as I could drop off anytime at his dorm, and so is he at my home.

We weren't always together but we hung out several times. Shopping, got a run together, or just met by face to say hi, got chats sometimes just to over jokes or got some discussions over little thing. But that's it. Oh, and we got our "matching jersey". I called it that because it isn't good for my heart to called it "couple jersey" okay.

Ah. Actually I'm not really sure about my feeling toward him, you know. I mean, sometimes it feel like I was just going with the flow and we got close, but then we just stopped. It feels like there was always be an invisible wall between us. And when I gave some thoughts about our further relationship, apparently, I just gave up. And then I went back to the step one, and did that over again. It kind of my feeling was going in a circle. But amazingly and stupidly, I'm okay with it.

I don't know what will happen in the future, but I'm sure I'm wishing for the happiness. Ah, I mean his happiness. Oh god! Okay!! Our happiness!!!

With or without.

everything I hope a man could be

I had a crush on this guy.
3 years ago, may be?

A little about him, he's... everything I hoped a man could be...? He had everything that I hoped I had. He did everything I couldn't did. And he got a nice face there. Ohhh...  He was just perfect!! Okay I wasn't sure if it was a crush or just an admiration. But in short, I liked him. Even I got several suck poet about him and our time together. Uh. I always be so melancony.

He's a good person with calm gesture, talk less listen more, and fun. That's what come when you like someone, everything  the did seems good.

So, there was a time when we had the chance for a talk, just both of us. A good talk at first. And then we started to talk about our past relationship. In the end, I found out that he had a crush on someone else. I got dumped even before I had my confession. Back then I thought it was for the best, that he didn't know how I felt, and we could stay as friend.

We got different uni so didn't meet much, so the only thing left to knew about him was just through social media. I just knew when he was going out with his crush, and when they break up, when he got some problems, when he was going out with a new girl, when he grew hes hair again.. oh man. I sound creepy!!! But yeah. That was the only way, I got his news btw. And I admit that I was kind of stalking him, through his sosmed. -_-

And so. He's back. With just a short message that mentioned my name. And a snapgram about my post that contains his photo. And yea, that little thing remind me how I used to like him. And to keep my insanity I wrote down my feeling.

I knew he didn't mean anything with that, but I just... happy. I still like him after all, but now I know that the feeling I got for him it's just an admiration, not a romantic one. So here it is, just like a fan got mentioned by her idol, I got that exact same feeling.

2018, really?

It's like 2017 missing in this blog, but well, whatever happens, happens.

Talking about 2018, actually I didn't have something in mind. Just keep living on, may be. And when I thought more about that, last year was also the same. I just keep the time flow, and I lost all of the track of my life plan since then. More like, screw with plan. I stopped things that I don't like. Have no lecture but didn't do my thesis either. graduation, getting a good job, get married, screw it all. I don't give a damn. And what makes me lost interest of this life? Since when?

Oh great. I'm such an asshole.
I miss the old me.
The way I used to be.

Help.