2024.

Dear, hubby, it's already 2024! 

Sometimes ago I suddenly had a lot of things to say to you. Like how I want you to grow, and how I want you to create your own opportunity, how I want to get us to my dream, how I want us to take care of our baby in the future. And that's not all. 

I still have a lot of worries about you. But despise that I also want you to know that I still believe in you. I believe that you can do better, not for me, but for yourself.

I know that I'm full of flaws myself, but I want us to grow better. To not just satisfied with things as they are now. To be brave to take the risk. And for us to not regret for not trying. 

I also want you to know that you're always in my every prayer, as well as my parent, brother, in-laws, and our baby who waits for us in heaven.

I'm sorry if I'm nagging so much. I just want to know what you are feeling, and what you are thinking about that. It saddend me quite little when you didn't say anything back... did I hurt your feeling? Did I just discourage you? Tell me, baby so I know...

It's 10.48 pm and I have to wake up early tomorrow. As you fall asleep next to me, I hope you have a nice dream baby. Love you...

hi, baby.

hi, baby.

I'm still copping with this feeling of losing you. 

everything that I did, somehow remind me of you. 

last wednesday, I got discharged from hospital. just when I went to the room, I just couldn't stop my tears. every little thing in this room, reminds me of you. the pregnancy pillow, the clothes that I was wearing, the vitamins that I consume, even everytime I ate, I always remember that I used to eat for you too. 

as the day went by, I stared to feel better. but some other time, when I just suddenly remember of you, I will run to your dad, hugging him, as I can't stop my tears flowing. he will just hug me back without saying anything until I calmed down. it surprised me that I was so attached to you more than I realized, baby. 

everyday I pray that you will be happier there. mom and dad loves still, and always, baby. ♡

see you again, baby.

 9/10/2023

dear my lovely baby boy,

just so you know, ibuk and ayah love you so so soooo much. we were so in love with your presense in our live as we couldn't wait to see you come in our arms. 

but, it turned out that Allah loves you more than us...

it saddened ibuk and ayah to have to send you so soon, but we always know that His plan is what's best for you and for us. thank you for spending this last magical four months with us. we will see you again in jannah, my little angel. 

we love you so much, and always, my dear muhammad daffa hm ♡

the very first day.

Today marked the first day that I heard your heartbeat! It sounded like badump.. badump... omg, your heart beats so fast! 

I felt like I was gonna cry out of happiness. It sounded amazing! Sometimes I still couldn't believe that you are growing up so fast inside me. I can't wait to see you next year, baby! Mom and dad loves you! ♡

Kok bisa ya.

Kok bisa ya orang-orang tiba-tiba nikah?

Kok bisa ya orang-orang bisa saling nerima?

Kok bisa ya orang-orang bahagia dengan sederhana?

Kok bisa ya orang-orang bisa saling percaya?

Kok bisa ya orang-orang dengan mudahnya jatuh cinta?

Kok bisa ya rasanya aku masih gini gini aja?

good-bad news.

I'm wondering right now,

the headache.

 I just realized that lately I had this light headache everynight. Then I took a pill of paracetamol, thinking that it would help me to sleep.

horror movies in real life.

yes, horror movie is scary but have you ever heard your dad's phone call with his old friend?

it's fine at first but it comes to the topics about yourself, you'd gonna heard something so depressing bcs what you did right now didn't sound so amazing enough for your dad to brag to his friend.

maybe it's not something that he intended to do but yeah it scary to know that your dad's not actually satisfied with what you are doing right now.

apa yang terjadi pada 26 mei 2021.

Kata Akmal, "Yang ditunggu-tunggu Pak Frans akhirnya datang". Asek asek wkwkwk.

Kata Shinta, "Siapanya Mas Ndondo e mbak?". Lah kamu maunya siapa? wkwk.

Kata Pak Frans, "Rumahnya mana, Nduk?". Di hatinya pak ehehehehehe.

Kata Mama, "YO!". Tetep Mama paling epik pokoknya wkwkwk.

how we first met.

Ndondo asked me to write something about how we first met. And you know what, I really really have no idea what should I write. I can even barely remember that moment. I’m sorry LOL. But at least, I’m going to try. So, this is how the things started.

hi 2021, be nice please :)

It's been ageees since the last time I write something here. I know, I know that I never keep my promise to write at least once a month, but it's already a new year. Don't come for me. So many things are going crazy this year, and I don't know if it's gonna stop or not.

I'm just gonna update you about what's going on in my life recently. Some old post I read before I wrote this is really something. I mean, how could I write something so depressed? Well, screw it tho. I'm a happy girl alive today!

First of all, I got a job. Hahaha. I don't know if I could call this a real job or a full-time job yet because I only earn so little at this job. Yea, but at least I'm not gonna be afraid of getting my master in an unemployed condition anymore. That was my biggest fear since I signed up for this master degree thing. I just got this job in January and it's been 2 months since then. Yea, I'm a teacher! at least for now. Lol.

Second, about my master degree. I've been in the thesis stage this semester but I still haven't been done with it. I guess I'm just really really really good at taking my time. Help. I need to get this done soon!

Uhmm then, what is it that has happened again? Love life? In my dream. But maybe deep inside, I don't know. I never know. Am I expecting something right now? May be! 😆

2020.

 hi. this was such a rough year.

been so long since the last time i wrote something here. yea, i know i know. i always promise my self to write more but guess what, I'm just that sleezy asshole. 

to be honest, i write this because i starts talking to my self. and i don't really things that it was good for my mental health. i'm afraid something goes wrong with my head. so yea, i wrote this thanks.

this year was really a mess. i don't quite remember how did i go through 2017 but maybe it was hard as this one. like corona thingy that break out in this country back in march and shit starts to get real.

i always thought that i could see what people couldn't, how to see things in the bigger picture, to see how the system works. like how money woke us up every morning, not the sun. and then i think that i don't want to be part of it. that i just wanna watch thing happen, how's everyone life is going, without being part of it.

like i said before, i thought i see things in the bigger picture. but i guess, i wasn't.

i was stuck in time. i'm still. i still wished things will go how it used to be, like  how i wanted it to be. like how i wanted to get married at 23, had kids, leading simple life without worrying if i'm insane or not. but it was just one of many dreams that i left with my past. i can only laugh at it now. my 23 was gone 2 years ago. even someone who was with me back then, have a new life now. but here i am, still having his name as my email password, or his phone as my bank acc password. silly, pathetic. imagine that what 20 years old me would say if she saw me like this now. she might want to end her life, idk.

i always remind my self that i'm that one independent woman who don't need anyone, that i can do everything alone. but actually it was a wall that i build so that no one couldn't got in again. so that i won't get hurt again.

and eventho i can do everything alone, out of my conscious i want someone there with me. or something. i don't know. i feel like there is a hole in my heart, a deep black hole, and i can't fix it, i can't filled it. 

i'm missing how it feels like to feel the warmness of other people presence. how it feels like to have someone walk side by side with you. how it feels like to have someone smile at you bcs you smile at them.

idk. i feel like a piece of shit rn.

i'm gonna continue to watch this shitty series called the umbrella academy. i'm just going with episode 7 of season 2. 

bye.

for now.

felt lost.

what kind of feeling is this?

i don't like it.

whenever i overthinking about future, about my life, about something, i really don't like this feeling. what is it called? anxiety? depression? i don't know.

i feel like shit.

have you?

have you ever imagine becoming something that you'd never dream of?

have you ever dreaming becoming something that you'd never think of?

have you ever thinking becoming something that you'd never imagine of?

i kept calling those questions over and over again

sometimes

when the days was going slow

when the cloud just stay

and the wind go away

and that feels kept me lay

nothing mattered

and i'm just stay dazed

hello, hi, how are ya?

another november just passed.

well, in the last three years i was joining this event organizer for a big running event in the neighborhood. i wasn't doing much, most of time we were doing side quests and whatnot.

for 2 years we've been working in a team with four. but dramas happened. we only worked in three people team this year.

of course it wasn't easy but all of our experience in the last 2 years thought us many things. well basically we did everything in the last 2 years so nothing change much in this year tho.

our main quest was taking care of the manpower to help the event go well. we did the recruit, we did the breakdown, even we also did the briefing to explain the job descriptions for most of divisions.

well, thing went well, and we got the money. not much but enough. okay, it far from enough for wtw asia or school's fee, but hey, let's just save it for the fun later!

wake me up when november end.

10 months has passed in the blink of an eye

nothing change much

there was a time 

that i blame everything on  the past

but not anymore

we helped each other 

to became what we are today

so i'm glad

that we met.

i didn't feel so bad lately. looking back to some of my post from before, it looked like i was depressed. like, a total mess. then i tried not to overthinking anything, and just did some of things little by little. all at once just wasn't my thing and i'm who understand that the best. 

if you ever read this when you feel down, just remember to be kind to your self. sit down, put your phone down, take a deep breath, and let your mind to calm down.

well, whatever. i'm feeling so good right now, just saying.

what am i thinking?

i had no worries in life.

no, actually i had a lots of worries. hundreds. thousands.

but my everyday mood doesn't seem like that at all.


people who don't know me wouldn't understand,

that i, too, have so many things in my mind.

i'm selfish, yes..

i'm only talking about my self, yes..


do i listen to people?
i, maybe do sometimes.

do i understand people?
i, maybe do sometimes.

do i care for people?
i, maybe do sometimes.


do people care about me?

not really fond of future.

what 19 year old me would say to my 24 year old me?

she might be disappointed, happy, disgust, i don't know. i never imagined hat everything would be turned out this way anyway.

what do i do now?

what 30 year old me would say?

what title should i write.

same shit.
i felt so messed up.

being in school was really hard, i often thinking how about i end this all at once. i mean, i always had this dream to do something hat would make a lot of money, being an entrepreneur i mean.

what's the point of me being in school, talking about something so abstract that actually didn't have anything to do in my daily life?

my mind felt like in a prison. i watched so many creative mind doing their job in real life, enjoying what they did, create things that change people's life, and made me want to do that too.

what would i be after finished school? i don't know...

i still face he same problem over and over again and haven't figure it out yet, while out there, a lot of my friend looks like they had figure it out and enjoying their life, and then i felt so lost.

where's all of my dreams from back then gone?

i felt so suck right now, i wanna cry.

it's been 5.30 pm in study room.

i don't even know what i'm doing this last few hours... i mean this whole day. i went to 7.30 am till 3.00 pm class and didn't even do my assignment. i spend the next 2 hours sitting in the study room and chatting, i mean, fangirling wth rc about aquaria. like what the hell. why did i choose this path in the first place? what's my motivations back then? I'm so doomed. might be damned.

i just don't know. sometimes i wanna cry all die. but what's next?