hi. this was such a rough year.
been so long since the last time i wrote something here. yea, i know i know. i always promise my self to write more but guess what, I'm just that sleezy asshole.
to be honest, i write this because i starts talking to my self. and i don't really things that it was good for my mental health. i'm afraid something goes wrong with my head. so yea, i wrote this thanks.
this year was really a mess. i don't quite remember how did i go through 2017 but maybe it was hard as this one. like corona thingy that break out in this country back in march and shit starts to get real.
i always thought that i could see what people couldn't, how to see things in the bigger picture, to see how the system works. like how money woke us up every morning, not the sun. and then i think that i don't want to be part of it. that i just wanna watch thing happen, how's everyone life is going, without being part of it.
like i said before, i thought i see things in the bigger picture. but i guess, i wasn't.
i was stuck in time. i'm still. i still wished things will go how it used to be, like how i wanted it to be. like how i wanted to get married at 23, had kids, leading simple life without worrying if i'm insane or not. but it was just one of many dreams that i left with my past. i can only laugh at it now. my 23 was gone 2 years ago. even someone who was with me back then, have a new life now. but here i am, still having his name as my email password, or his phone as my bank acc password. silly, pathetic. imagine that what 20 years old me would say if she saw me like this now. she might want to end her life, idk.
i always remind my self that i'm that one independent woman who don't need anyone, that i can do everything alone. but actually it was a wall that i build so that no one couldn't got in again. so that i won't get hurt again.
and eventho i can do everything alone, out of my conscious i want someone there with me. or something. i don't know. i feel like there is a hole in my heart, a deep black hole, and i can't fix it, i can't filled it.
i'm missing how it feels like to feel the warmness of other people presence. how it feels like to have someone walk side by side with you. how it feels like to have someone smile at you bcs you smile at them.
idk. i feel like a piece of shit rn.
i'm gonna continue to watch this shitty series called the umbrella academy. i'm just going with episode 7 of season 2.
bye.
for now.
